Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Reading is for the Birds

Are you familiar with that saying? Blank is for the birds? It’s a century-old saying derived from ‘that is shit for the birds,’ as birds have a tendency to eat road apples. I read that online, but it was only a handful of sentences. I can’t read textbooks. I’ve never read a math book in my life. Textbooks are glorified technical manuals, tomes of a banal compilation of words, stale and with no intention to teach, only to implant.

Classical literature and all good books are ideas conveyed clearly and naturally. I enjoy those, but I haven’t read a book in well over a half year. When I read, I absorb words for a minute or two and forget that which I read a half hour ago. I guess I retain ideas, but only those.

My girlfriend explained to me what happens when she reads. She read aloud a passage from the Twilight series and told me what she pictured after a sentence or two. She told me she pictured a couple holding hands in an open field and specific features and emotional overtones cast upon their faces. I pictured only two hands grasping each other. I concluded it was why my reading comprehension level is so pathetic.

I have an insatiable craving for knowledge and it’s depressing and frustrating. Reading bores me. I’d like to do more of it, but I can’t will myself to pick up a book. It’s such an inefficient method of retaining knowledge. I wish ideas could be beamed straight into my head. It’s rare that words stimulate me. When they do stimulate me, I get so excited that I find myself trying to read faster than I can grasp ideas, and when that happens I end up just looking at letters.

A road apple is horse shit so named because it resembles in appearance an apple. Birds have a habit of pecking at horse shit to extract undigested seeds. When something is for the birds, it is trivial and generally useless.



  1. You don't have to read a book to gain knowledge. Ask someone who has some experience and knowledge and he will pass it on to you. For example, I am older than you, therefore, I have experienced more than you, so you can have this bit of knowledge.

    You hate reading, BUT you like to sleep, don't you? If you place a book under your pillow, the words will be absorbed by your brain while you sleep. You don't have to actually read the book! That's how I read all of my Medical books and got my skills.

  2. Last time I read with a book under my pillow I woke up with a neck cramp and disappointed that I only absorbed a fraction of the book.

  3. Did I say "book?" I meant magazine. As in Playboy.

  4. writers who don't read... well, they never get any better. Don't be lame.
    Try screenplays. Well written ones are descriptive and you can easily visualize what's to take place on the screen. since you've presumably seen many movies, you will find comprehension easier, methinks. Reading takes practice.
    You know where you can always find good screenplays...

  5. I wish I was like Spock and could suck all the info out of people's heads just by touching them(preferably not touching them cause that's just unnecessary).

    Maybe if your internets broke down you might read. Eventually. Speaking of which, I am now going to Panera because I can't get any mathmatics implantation accomplished with the internets around. And because they are giving away free food. And coffee-of which I must ingest daily.

  6. I tried it with Playboy, but I kept waking up with a strange feeling in my pants. A strange, wet feeling.

    I agree, reading is absolutely necessary. I was drunk when I wrote this, but I still feel that if the act of reading were personified, it would resemble a hot woman covered in feces.

    And my internets were down for a week! The woman read, but I just couldn't will myself to pick up a book.