Monday, January 5, 2009

69 and Other Sexual Maneuvers

As sexually adventurous and explicit as I may be, I still have trouble uttering certain words while humping. How do you bring up 69 during sex, especially when the sweaty pounding is passionate and romantic? It seems awkward to simply ask, and I’m not strong enough to lift anything heavier than fifty pounds to massage my face.

Do you discuss these things prior to the act? Does it happen over dinner? While he’s digging through the layers in his roast beef sandwich and she’s shoving a sausage into her throat, do their heads rise and do their eyes meet in epiphany?

I realize that in most relationships one doesn’t need permission to pleasure the other manually. But what of those who do? Will “I wish to fingerbang you” suffice? It’s such a vulgar word, violent even, which is strange considering there’s no banging of any sort involved. Who figured fingerbanging was an appropriate term for a genital massage? I guess genital massage is no better than fingerbang. I wonder if the first fingerbanger was so enchanted by the idea that his thrusting digits made banging noises. We’ll never know.

Don’t even get me started on sodomy. You can only “miss” so many times before suspicion overtakes passion. The same applies to pearl necklaces and, in rare occasions, golden showers.

Maybe there is no smooth way to initiate the 69 maneuver. I guess I’ll continue to order my girlfriend to sit on my face while shoving her head into my crotch.



  1. Try these two phrases.

    1. Snookums, what comes after 68? I thought you'd never ask.
    2. Snookums, what comes before 70? I thought you'd never ask.

    Let me know if it works or not....

  2. Both failed, but that was my girlfriend's fault.

  3. By any chance, did you say it in Spanish?

  4. I wrote it down:

    68 + 1 = ?

    When that failed, I tried the second and she curved into the shape of a question mark.

  5. Well, at least she was in the same room, and you didn't text it or send it through FB or Y.

    Next time I will specify "verbally."