Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Broadband: Pandora's Sexy Box

Few knew that until last week I was still using dial up. I remained in an era when N’sync was adored by all (all), the economy was peaking, and I was even more ignorant of female anatomy than I am now. Don’t get me wrong, dial up is the tortoise to broadband’s hare, but it wasn’t all that bad. Let me explain, bitches.

Consider reading. Those who love to read will understand. Let’s say—

here’s where I stopped writing before I left for tonight. Before I started writing I was sober, but now I am drunk. I am drunk enough to not care what I write, so whatever I write will be exceptionally horrible. Both horrible in content and grammar. Not so much in spelling because MS Word will take care of that for me, and it has thus far taken care of at least a billion infractions in this paragraph.

--Let’s say that dial up is like a volume of books everyone cares to read, because that’s how the internet is, you see. You want to read these books and on dial up you read one book every ten years. With DSL you read these books at a rate of 2.6 KBPS, which translates roughly to a thousand books an hour about.

That’s many books.

My point is, my friends, that once you read those books, you have nothing else to do. Did I mention you’re on a deserted island and those are the only books you’ll forever have to read? Well that’s the internet, my friends. That’s the internet: the pandora’s box of shit.

Sure there’s a plethora and other garbage words you could use to describe the superfluity of the internet, but it means nothing when none of it internets you I mean interests you. There’s pornography, games, pictures, videos, and information. They all only go so far and information is only fun if you’re interested, and of all the information on the internet, I’m sure only 0.001 percent of it entertains any one person on any basis whatever that means.

So anyway back to my original point because I’m tired and whatever, Pandora’s Sexy Box. I meant to create a witty innuendo regarding Pandora and her box, and the internet. I even considered titling this Pandora’s Cyber Box, but my confidence was low and didn’t think I’d be able to—holy shit I just heard gun shots. I’m not kidding. There were five or six cracking through the air. I’m calling 911.

I just called and it was the fastest I was transferred to an operator. I was transferred four times, but it was very prompt. They’re sending someone over.

How depressingly sobering.


1 comment:

  1. oh yeah, the point i tried to make is that the internet is boring once you rediscovery all that you once found interesting and that it pales against real life. Emerson, it turns out, was right. i think it was emerson who wrote about the internet i mean books being a shitty replacement for experience regarding learning.