Habits of Cohabitation

The secret to a successful relationship is simple: teamwork. Once you properly delegate chores and other such nonsense, cohabitation becomes a breeze. For example, I cook, she cleans. Why? I love cooking, she doesn’t. She likes cleaning, I don’t. Why else? Because she’s a woman. There are, of course, limits and other duties each partner must assume in order to maintain a healthy relationship.

When in public, it is imperative that she act as my social buttress. In case of any impending social faux pas, she is to retrieve an alcoholic beverage so as to fortify my ego. Additionally, she is to fortify my ego every twenty minutes or when my drink becomes 85% empty, whichever occurs first. In the event that an alcoholic beverage is unavailable, she is to demand that she please me sexually.

She is to cater to my every whim, no matter how inane, at a moment’s notice. Being the moral, logical, and intellectual foundation of a relationship comes at a price, and this price is to be paid--by her. Appropriate whims include, but are not limited to: massages, breakfasts in bed, fetchings a pets for pettings, and performing the duties of an executive secretary (including sexual favors).

Flatulence and other bodily functions are to provide no relief but comic and are otherwise prohibited.

She is to abstain from talking (and thinking) when unnecessary. As a team, it is crucial to develop a proper, team-like relationship. I am the coach, she is the player. Another more precise analogy might be master-slave. Unnecessary thinking leads undoubtedly to questions, questions to which I do not have answers, and revolution. In the case of revolution, it is necessary to fabricate an external crisis. “The liquor store was robbed. Liquor prices have increased. Liquor is unavailable tonight,” I’ll say.

Ever since I forced my girlfriend to follow these rules, fist fights and other scenes from Enough have been at an all time low, three per day.