Monday, December 29, 2008

Resolutions Better than Yours

How many of you commit to resolutions every year? I never have and never will—except this once. My life’s been uneventful these last twenty years, so to spice things up I decided to include only heroic feats in my one and only new year’s resolutions list.

  • Tame horse to rescue damsel in distress and flee by jumping over canyon.

  • Enter burning building, exit with soot-faced baby.

  • Utilize martial arts to apprehend head of criminal organization.

  • Protect honor of shy woman by smashing a bottle of vodka and holding shard to offender’s neck.

  • Infiltrate compound to thwart weapons smuggling by using weapons in question to dispatch enemies.

  • Remove shoes, jump into pool, emerge with coughing baby.

  • Ram tank into helicopter.

  • Sacrifice self to help friends escape dungeon by using body to hold open stone slab only to reappear later to surprise sullen friends.

  • Stalk, capture renegade circus elephant. Gut, extract living human baby.



  1. But the vodka, Frank! The vodka...

  2. Sacrificing the vodka is part of what makes the feat so heroic!

    Infants are cool I guess.

  3. Um, sorry to be a party pooper, but, PETA and the SPCA have a problem with resolution #1 & #9. They say if you even think about doing them, they will fire bomb your home.

    #2, #3, #4, #5, & #7 involve assault and battery, assault with deadly weapons, breaking and entering, and vandalism. LAPD and the District Attorney have filed an injuction against you from doing those.

    That leaves #6, and we all know you wear huaraches, not shoes, and there is a water shortage, so good luck finding a pool filled with water.

    Lastly #8, which is something Harrison Ford has done countless times, and he's an old man. How heroic is that?

  4. More reasons as to why such feats are heroic. Who else would stand up to PETA and the SPCA? Heroes, that's who!

  5. you're wrong! you can free the circus elephant and make ASPCA & PETA proud. Just let the infant die. The ASPCA would not mind you training a horse, as long as it's with positive reinforcement. for hints with that, consult my blog.
    That should be resolution #10: consult Puka's blog.
    p.s. infants suck.

  6. What about pulling a living baby from an elephant I just killed?

  7. I'm telling you, PETA and the ASPCA will say that the baby should have been more careful and deserved it's fate, while the poor Elephant did nothing more than react to having to ride a unicycle for the circus for no pay.

    I do have a resolution that may fit most of your criteria.

    Rescue a tame horse in distress by jumping a damsel, and helping a circus elephant give birth to an infant.

  8. there's a lot of babies and animals and vodka. Enjoyable on their own, but together....?

  9. I'm sorry for saying this, but the fun part is when the animals are so drunk, they think the drunk babies are their mating partners. I said I was sorry!

  10. i thought you hated kids? now you want to rescue them? which is it?!?