Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Adventures in the Art of Cookery

I asked my girlfriend what, if anything, I hated. After hardly thinking for five minutes, she said, “dancing! You hate dancing and singing!” Excellent, I told her, and that I’d use that in my blog. Then I remembered how much I hate cooking and tomatoes.

Do you know why audiences sometimes bombard performers with tomatoes? Because fuck tomatoes, that’s why. Nobody likes tomatoes, at least not those generic red monstrosities. You have to be pretty handy in the kitchen in order to transform these red, mangineered atrocities into something edible. Sure, you could buy proper and ripe tomatoes, but who has the time to cherry pick anything these days? I sure do, but fuck tomatoes!

I’ll tell you what else I hate: dull knives. I must be the most incompetent fool in America because I have a sharpening stone and am unable to sharpen my knives. My knives seem to get duller after every “sharpening.” You know those dolts on the Ronco infomercials who smash tomatoes with a dull knife like a mental invalid attacking a pile of clay with his hands? I’m one of them. It’s not because I’m incredibly inept, it’s because my hands go rogue due to my uncontrollable rage.

Cooking is a downward spiral of pain and suffering for me, especially when I have to dice tomatoes for an omelet. Not only do I have to deal with dull knives, bitter tomatoes, and rogue hands, I have to deal with eggs sticking to fifteen dollar “nonstick” pans.

Oh, and sometimes I add onions to the omelet. Do you know how ridiculous onions are? Only two things make me cry: broken bones and onions. That makes no sense. On the contrary, it makes nonsense, my friends.



  1. It's really depressing to try to cut a tomato with a dull knife.

  2. Yeah, I'd rather keep a tomato whole than try to cut it with a dull knife. Either that or I find a plastic knife with serration.

    Alien hand reminds me of this:
    I watched that in the theatres.

  3. frank, next time i'll teach the ancient art of kenpo. remember how we almost used to park corazon's car last friday? well, the same techniques can be applied to cut tomatoes


  4. I am not on my period for I am male and males don't get periods, they get commas.

    And yes, I could attempt to try to cut the flesh side of the tomato when dicing. To proponents of flesh-cutters: fuck tomatoes.

    I wish I could experience alien hand for one day. I wonder what my alien hand would do. I think grope breasts. Oh God, if I were taught the ways of kenpo and had alien hand? I'd probably be able to grope two breasts at once!

  5. i love tomatoes and cilantro but HATE cutting them!

    and onions make you cry? what a crybaby.

  6. be like the italians - cut the tomatoes with a small serated knife instead of a big american knife

    and don't get such big unflavorful tomato - the smaller the tomato the easier to cut them & usually the more flavorful they are

  7. I've tried cutting them with a serrated knife and it didn't help much. Even if the knife is dull, I've found that slicing with less pressure is more effective than using a serrated knife. After the first slice all you have to do is cut the flesh anyway.

    100% on smaller tomatoes. My friend's mother has a patch of sungolds I hope to one day pilfer.